Slow up, Speed down, rightside up and upside down

Chaos rules supreme in my world where I can no longer process things as they come to me, I pick and choose what to take in and deal with and the rest goes into the void surrounding me. I have found myself recovering from another surgery during spring break, addicted to pain pills, depressed, not caring if I even graduate (which is a month away), and eating pretty much everything in sight and then bitching about having put on weight. I am a walking contradiction or perhaps hypocrit is the better term-although I can't explain exactly why-it just feels right. I panic in my classes and have to leave in order to calm myself down. The cherry is that Shelby had a heart attack on the first of May. I was there with him in the hospital and he was fine, in pain, but not dramatic, chest-grasping pain. He is now off work for another month, we are poor and I am avoiding going to the hell that is the Oregon Department of Human Resources, I can't ask for help. We need it, but what I can't deal with is being a grown up and going in, filling out the paper work, sitting there for hours while oblivious mothers allow their children to hit mine, scream, and spill food everywhere. I am brain-fried after having come face to face with the possibility of loosing Shelby. It seems as if I am numb most of the time when I am around him-who am I to bombard him with more stress? I broke down in my Spanish class, left and went home to get my camera and took myself on a self-pity ride through the gorge. Most of the pics sucked, but I got a few good ones: