Huh? What? Where am I?

I have been accepted into graduate school at Portland State, specifically, the Graduate Teacher Education Program. When I am done, I will be certifiable..LOL! Sorry, could not resist. I will be a certified teacher of English to grades 7-12 and I will have a Masters in Education. I will be graduating Magna cum laude assuming I can maintain my GPA this term and next. I have worked, read, studied, written a billion papers on topics I didn't even understand and I find myself closing in on the end of it all. What will happen to me? What if I hate teaching? What if I decide teenagers are hell spawn? What if I just can't hack it? So many questions. I thought I would feel a sense of pride at what I have done, not to say I haven't, but I find that my doubts are crowding me and overwhelming my accomplishments.

I have not been healthy this term, as nearly everybody knows. Random things are keeping me down and the frustration is giving me anxiety attacks in addition to all my other problems. I think once we figure things out with my body, that I will be able to focus on the good. I wake up everyday saying today will be different, today I will need no pain meds, no anti-dizzy pills, and I won't be so tired that I can barely hold my head up. Each day I disappoint myself.

I have nothing to say here

The last post implies something that isn't quite true...yet. I am having some issues, mentally and physically and one may be causing the other. I am longing to make some art and I can barely find the time to do my homework, let alone my art. Yet these are the times I most need to set that time away for myself. I am loaded on Vicoden (sp) right now, so pardon the random rambling. I don't even have any new pictures to post, but because this is my art blog, I will post some older things that seem to belong in this particular post at this particular time.

In response to mental illness

There is an element of comfort in diagnosis,
As in my particular case.
At last or at least
I have an excuse; a reason why
I Can’t grow up, only down and slantways, as if I am afraid of heights.
But I am only half-ways to being
Checked out. It is a painful enigma.
Being able to feel the drop, the wind whistling in my
Face, drying, cleansing.

If I were at bottom,
I would not notice so much, you see.
I can’t even lose my mind properly.
I think this is what
Limbo must feel like.
A huge field, lush and brilliant.
The tall grass tickles me.
But not to the point where I am compelled to laugh out loud.
It is almost like
A deprived sort of moderate torture.
I want to wholly embrace the green.
I want to bathe in
Self pity there, in that field.
But I am afraid
Of the bugs getting all over me.
So I walk. Tickle. Tickle. Tickle.

Anxiety

Anxiety is running high lately. I am sick of being sick and stressed. I feel the creepy depression fairy knocking at my door and the bug spray is only getting me so far. My addiction to food and pity parties are growing stronger to try and cope, which only makes it worse. My only safe space to vent right now is through photoshop and journaling, a place where only I know the meanings of things that are there, even if they are burried under layers.

My life in a few pictures

To say that things have been hectic lately would be an understatement. My life's theme for this school term has been as follows: If it isn't one thing its another and if isn't another, its my mother. Anywhooooo, here are some pictures of the last two months that I am rather fond of. Enjoy!

Random-nesssss

With a lull in the activity for the morning, I have decided to post some of my other pics from previous trips and outings. These are pictures that for some reason or another appeal to me and while not photographically excellent, I like them. :)

Video of Saw Musician on Alberta

Fun with Fotos!!!!

On a recent photo outing with my friends Debb and Matt, we discovered two very very cool things.....one being the Ashram where we were able to take the most beautiful flower pics and the second being the Alberta Street art fair. Two totally different places that were so much fun to shoot and honestly, just to be there was cool enough! Amazing people and amazing art! Here are just a few thousand of those shots:

The colors of the people, their art, their flowers, their dancing reminded me of a garden of humanity-the coolest sort of humanity.

And the not so human bits of humanity were there representing the "keep Portland weird" posseeeeee.

Music and dancing everywhere!

Ashram flowers:

Yachats pics

Back from the beach, here are a few decent shots I took. :)

Ok, here it is, the worst picture of me in my pre-gastric bypass days. The gal next to me was my best friend until I lost her to the bottle. I put up a good fight, but after I had Sydney, I could no longer spend my time taking her to detox in the hospital in the middle of the night or dealing with her issues. I have been thinking about her a lot lately. With all of my current health problems, I sure could use her to cheer me up, she could always make me laugh, even when I was crying. I am bathing in self pity and feeling so sorry for myself that I have become all doom and gloom in my own head, of course. God forbid I actually reach out and let people know I need help. I am off the anti-depressants because I can no longer afford the $100 a month they cost, I am broker than I have ever been and just got another $7200 in medical bills to add to the existing $22,000. I was in so much pain that I went to the nearest hospital instead of going to direct to OHSU where I get my discount and they, a week later, have already stuck me with the bill!!! Lori, where are you now????

Good days rock

So today, I spent over five hours at the zoo with my daughter and my two nephews-it was a blast and I got a few pretty cool pics. I feel much better now that I have been out of the house a few days in a row doing something other than going to school. :)

The truth

I have nothing to bitch about. I have nothing to bitch about. I have nothing to bitch about. Why do I feel uneasy about that? What have I been avoiding thinking about or doing? Why have I let the housework fall by the wayside while I shove unimaginable amounts of food in my face? Why do I feel let down that I may actually get a 4.0 this term, no A-'s? What is wrong with me? I am out of focus and I have great grades, a wonderful child, a discount at OHSU for medical care, another car to replace the one that died and another home and I am not content. What am I going to do with myself all summer?